Its been a long time since Ive written anything. Ive been dealing with some things with my mental illness and trying a new drug or two, which hasnt worked out as planned. Im tired. Im tired of trying now. Ive changed my diet. Ive lost weight. Im physically healthier I guess, but mentally im in wreckage. Garbage. Trash. Lost. helpless. Annnnnnnd Monday I start homeschooling my only child. Is that a recipe for disaster? Im afraid it is. I started that journey when I was on medication and it was helping with my patience level and anxiety but I was sleeping constantly for hours on end. I guess it works for all that stuff if your really asleep instead of living. I dont enjoy anything anymore. I almost cant stand to be around my husband or child. He is so annoying sometimes and so is she. On the drugs, though, Im super laid back and not much rocks my world but I cant sleep all the damn time either. Im tired of trying. I wish I could say that all this negativity will flow out of my life and Ill never say another negative thing. I want it to wash away from my soul and quit effecting my everythought. I blew up on my husband last night. Im so conflicted about it this morning. I dont know whats real and what isnt anymore. I hear things in my home. I hallucinate. Im afraid my husband is going to leave me or is cheating on me. Im afraid. Im paranoid that if its dark outside and the lights are on inside then the people in the yard can see in and I cant see them. I fucking need some help and my Husband who is a doctor is terribly useless when it comes to this stuff. Youd think he had never heard of mental illness. Jesus… Im tired.