TIRED

Oy.

          Its been a long time since Ive written anything. Ive been dealing with some things with  my mental illness and trying a new drug or two, which hasnt worked out as planned. Im tired. Im tired of trying now. Ive changed my diet.  Ive lost weight. Im physically healthier I guess, but mentally im in wreckage. Garbage. Trash. Lost. helpless.  Annnnnnnd Monday I start homeschooling my only child.  Is that a recipe for disaster? Im afraid it is. I started that journey when I was on medication and it was helping with my patience level and anxiety but I was sleeping constantly for hours on end.    I guess it works for all that stuff if your really asleep instead of living.  I dont enjoy anything anymore. I almost cant stand to be around my husband or child. He is so annoying sometimes and so is she. On the drugs, though, Im super laid back and not much rocks my world but I cant sleep all the damn time either. Im tired of trying.  I wish I could say that all this negativity will flow out of my life and Ill never say another negative thing. I want it to wash away from my soul and quit effecting my everythought. I blew up on my husband last night. Im so conflicted about it this morning. I dont know whats real and what isnt anymore.  I hear things in my home. I hallucinate. Im afraid my husband is going to leave me or is cheating on me. Im afraid. Im paranoid that if its dark outside and the lights are on inside then the people in the yard can see in and I cant see them. I fucking need some help and my Husband who is a doctor is terribly useless when it comes to this stuff. Youd think he had never heard of mental illness.  Jesus…   Im tired.

North Korea, All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go, and HealthCare

Yo.

  •           Its been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been in the bowels of Schizo-ness…. We are looking into an outpatient facility in Virginia Beach. Yeah, wtf. I’ve never been hospitalized before. I can only imagine it’s like a 70s era shit storm of a place.I’mm bogged down by the delusions and paranoia. I watched the towel move up the wall the other day. I think I’m seeing bugs that aren’t there. Fuck I’m tired. I don’t want to do this with medication. It a poison and I hate to be one of those “big pharma” people but I am. FUCK big pharma.. Shit that we’ve been told for our whole lives isn’t true. The things we should eat for health isn’t true. The things that will make us better, isn’t true. Hell fire. This plant based thing we’ve been doing is working great. I’ve lost 21 lbs. I don’t feel energized like some folks have said they have. My husband is LIVELY and has hit his lowest weight in decades. Good for him.. no really. I love that he’s happy. I wish it was easier for me. I just know that my bullshit is going to become too much for him and he will walk away. He disputes that offer but I still think it anyway. We’ve had so much going on lately. We’ve been snappy as hell at each other and I feel as if I am distancing myself from him. Anytime things become slightly difficult I automatically go into “Mother Daughter Team” mode. Where everything I think or plan, it’s for Pidden and me as if he won’t be around. It’s safer to do that. Even when everyone else leaves, it’ll always just be her and I. I have to make sure I plan for that and keep her safe. Welp, there’s the paranoia rising to the top. Or is it?

 

  • North Korea is some scary shit right now ain’t it?!! Looks like he may actually be trying to take a bite of us. Every country is convinced by their own propoganda that their military is the best and they have the best of everything. To us, NK has this tiny arsenal of bottle rockets and we have a gold mine of the coup de grace of all fire power…But to NK, its the opposite for us. Do we really have the best forces on the planet? I hate living this close to DC.

 

  • I canceled my trip to Topsail. I fucking hated doing that. Dear Husband has changed jobs or is in the process and we aren’t sure what we will be doing during that time. His current hospital is fucking insane. The CEO isnt shit. HEr and her pet are fixing to lose their jobs and still acting like if they throw everyone off the ship then it wont sink. I hate that place. Moving here was a mistake. Well, we can atleast look at this place like its a stepping stone to somewhere better. I just fucking hate everything right now.