Today, I have spent its entirety getting alone time with my husband. We have gathered boxes of veggies to can for our prepping. We have signed, sealed, and delivered his resignation from the clinic where he is a PCP (God I am so glad he’s out of that hell hole). We even had time to take some boudoir pictures of me….I know, WTH right? I have this huge insecurity, I’m sure like most women according to Instagram. Yeah well, It was fucking hot, to say the least. :);) I wish I had the courage to post some on here but hey, in due time….
My kid will not be back home until Sunday. It’s insane. I’m redoing her room to surprise her when she gets here. She needs a big girl room, Ya know. Time to get rid of those polka dots and woodland critter bedding……. *Sheds tears* She’s fixing to have to start wearing a bra now. WTF. I don’t know what to even do and I’m her mother…frick. I remember her last year in the car exasperated with life and saying “WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET BOOBS?!!”……Well hell honey, keep chugging that damn milk with all those hormones.
I’m doing ok without my meds. OK. just OK. I’m Fine, I’m fine. I’m struggling. Sometimes I wish I could just be sedated for a while.. That fixes nothing but sometimes the wheels just need a break, man. I’ve noticed if I drink alcohol or don’t get adequate sleep then I’m just screwed. The delusions break me. The paranoia is malignant! I’m Fine I’m FIne IM Fine.
I’ve booked a beach vaca for Thanksgiving. I’ve never lived so close to the beach before and I must have it. Topsail island has become my favorite place to be since we’ve moved. There I find peace and breathing room. There, I am me.
Saw on the news this am that the baby we’ve all been watching has passed away. What a horrendous situation for any parent to be in. Ive seen such mixed outbursts from people. Some that think the parents were in the wrong. This amazes me in a way. As a parent, I would do ANYTHING it took for my child to be ok. ANYTHING. In the end, the best thing they could do was to let him pass. Still such a terrible thing to have to go through. My heart, prayers, and love goes out to Charlies’ parents.
Finding time to write has been slightly difficult due to my kiddo being out on summer vacation. Mom what you doing? Let me see..Whats that word? Who are you writing to?….You get it. She’s currently beside me but so involved in her game that she’s ignoring me. Im glad she’s not old enough to understand whats happening. Just be a kid, Pidden. One day Im going to have to explain so much to her.
Her bio-dad and I divorced a few years ago and she doesn’t see him much. Thats what currently plagues her right now. No matter how many times I tell him that he can come see her whenever he wants for any length of time, he still doesn’t. She doesn’t understand that and assumes its all up to me if she sees him. I doubt I’ll have to explain this in detail one day as she will figure it out soon enough. It really slams home the whole notion of really knowing who you’re marrying and having children with… Anyway, school starts soon and she will have other things on her mind.
In december 2017, I am/was planning to have weightloss surgery. Drastic right? well, I need to lose around 100 lbs and i was going to adopt a whole new life style to accommodate that surgery..Then I came across a documentary on Netflix called What The Health. EYE OPENING. Later I watched Forks over Knives…and a few others now. After tons of my own research and my dear husband is a Physician, so we piled research and decided a plant based diet had sooooo many merits to great health and here we are dropping weight like crazy and getting super healthy. I encourage anyone taking medication, over weight, or just generally unhappy, to watch these documentaries then do your own research. Do tons of it. Make yourself convinced in one direction or another.
On another note, I am unmedicated for my mental illness. I am currently ascending, i think. Im having the incurable racing thoughts. Im tired as hell too. I want to write all the time which is a no brainer for me up cycling. I wish things were normal. Or atlas a better version of my normal.