Spiraling, The Long Walk, New Opportunities

G’Day Y’all.

         Yesterday I fell from the cloud I had recently been riding. Ya don’t need all the shitty details, if you’re like me, you already know anyway. It doesn’t matter how amazing your life is when it comes to mental illness.  BLEH…anyways.     It’s early on the blog this am as usually I wrote in the evenings when I’m done with things I need to do. This am I said fuck it to the dishes, to the scattered tomato on the back splash from canning yesterday. Piss off to the empty boxes that cradled the mason jars we used. The cats enjoy the boxes anyway.

Luke, our other German Shepherd who is old as Methuselah, attacked our other shepherd Obi. Not the first time. We’ve sunk thousands into Obi because of Luke, the bastard. This will be the last attack. Luke will go for the long walk.  I remember my Dad taking pets for the long walk. The ones that were too sick or aggressive. I grew up in a tiny southern town that was riddled with poverty. There were no vet visits. Hell, there were barely doctor visits.

 

I mentioned in a before post about rather risqué pictures my husband took of me…I’m in love. I have the hardest damn time loving anything of myself. My husband, who is a Doc, calls it body dysmorphic disorder. No matter how much weight I’ve lost, I still see the same horrendous person the mirror. When he caught this picture of me, I just fell in love with it. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight. Especially since we’ve dove head first into a plant based lifestyle. I think Ill have some pro boudoir pics done now and have more done when I drop to the healthier weight id like to achieve.

Nakedness

Some girl had the nerve to get on my IG the other day and say that small dogs couldn’t be service dogs. I just washed my hands clean of that ignorant twit. Some people you just can’t help. We have two service animals in our family and they both happen to be under 11lbs. Holy moly.

 

I had a rough time yesterday. There are times when I can’t control the obsessive compulsive thoughts and I am taken over by them. I often disassociate when the moments become too much. Often while driving. I don’t know how I make it home some days.  A girl, hell a woman, I’ve come to enjoy on Instagram said today that she will begin to expect the hardships. Yes, expect them. That way you will not be taking for granted any ray of sun shine that comes your way. I love her. A fellow WARRIOR.  Of course, you could apply that to more than your mental illness, sure. If I expect every day to be just a golden sun shiny day then I will be disappointed every time. Today, I will expect those super hard moments where my mind ravages me. I will prepare. I will be ready. Until then, I’m going to get dressed up in something slutty. I’m going to put on my glasses. I’m going to just enjoy the day until I can’t any longer. My friends, THAT is recovery.

 

Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resignation, Doomsday Prepping, Boudoir

G’Day ya’ll

Today, I have spent its entirety getting alone time with my husband. We have gathered boxes of veggies to can for our prepping. We have signed, sealed, and delivered his resignation from the clinic where he is a PCP (God I am so glad he’s out of that hell hole). We even had time to take some boudoir pictures of me….I know, WTH right? I have this huge insecurity, I’m sure like most women according to Instagram.  Yeah well, It was fucking hot, to say the least. :);)     I wish I had the courage to post some on here but hey, in due time….

My kid will not be back home until Sunday. It’s insane. I’m redoing her room to surprise her when she gets here. She needs a big girl room, Ya know. Time to get rid of those polka dots and woodland critter bedding……. *Sheds tears*    She’s fixing to have to start wearing a bra now. WTF. I don’t know what to even do and I’m her mother…frick. I remember her last year in the car exasperated with life and saying “WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET BOOBS?!!”……Well hell honey, keep chugging that damn milk with all those hormones.

I’m doing ok without my meds. OK. just OK. I’m Fine, I’m fine. I’m struggling. Sometimes I wish I could just be sedated for a while.. That fixes nothing but sometimes the wheels just need a break, man. I’ve noticed if I drink alcohol or don’t get adequate sleep then I’m just screwed. The delusions break me. The paranoia is malignant! I’m Fine I’m FIne IM Fine.

 

I’ve booked a beach vaca for Thanksgiving. I’ve never lived so close to the beach before and I must have it. Topsail island has become my favorite place to be since we’ve moved. There I find peace and breathing room. There, I am me.

 

Peace