North Korea, All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go, and HealthCare

Yo.

  •           Its been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been in the bowels of Schizo-ness…. We are looking into an outpatient facility in Virginia Beach. Yeah, wtf. I’ve never been hospitalized before. I can only imagine it’s like a 70s era shit storm of a place.I’mm bogged down by the delusions and paranoia. I watched the towel move up the wall the other day. I think I’m seeing bugs that aren’t there. Fuck I’m tired. I don’t want to do this with medication. It a poison and I hate to be one of those “big pharma” people but I am. FUCK big pharma.. Shit that we’ve been told for our whole lives isn’t true. The things we should eat for health isn’t true. The things that will make us better, isn’t true. Hell fire. This plant based thing we’ve been doing is working great. I’ve lost 21 lbs. I don’t feel energized like some folks have said they have. My husband is LIVELY and has hit his lowest weight in decades. Good for him.. no really. I love that he’s happy. I wish it was easier for me. I just know that my bullshit is going to become too much for him and he will walk away. He disputes that offer but I still think it anyway. We’ve had so much going on lately. We’ve been snappy as hell at each other and I feel as if I am distancing myself from him. Anytime things become slightly difficult I automatically go into “Mother Daughter Team” mode. Where everything I think or plan, it’s for Pidden and me as if he won’t be around. It’s safer to do that. Even when everyone else leaves, it’ll always just be her and I. I have to make sure I plan for that and keep her safe. Welp, there’s the paranoia rising to the top. Or is it?

 

  • North Korea is some scary shit right now ain’t it?!! Looks like he may actually be trying to take a bite of us. Every country is convinced by their own propoganda that their military is the best and they have the best of everything. To us, NK has this tiny arsenal of bottle rockets and we have a gold mine of the coup de grace of all fire power…But to NK, its the opposite for us. Do we really have the best forces on the planet? I hate living this close to DC.

 

  • I canceled my trip to Topsail. I fucking hated doing that. Dear Husband has changed jobs or is in the process and we aren’t sure what we will be doing during that time. His current hospital is fucking insane. The CEO isnt shit. HEr and her pet are fixing to lose their jobs and still acting like if they throw everyone off the ship then it wont sink. I hate that place. Moving here was a mistake. Well, we can atleast look at this place like its a stepping stone to somewhere better. I just fucking hate everything right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiraling, The Long Walk, New Opportunities

G’Day Y’all.

         Yesterday I fell from the cloud I had recently been riding. Ya don’t need all the shitty details, if you’re like me, you already know anyway. It doesn’t matter how amazing your life is when it comes to mental illness.  BLEH…anyways.     It’s early on the blog this am as usually I wrote in the evenings when I’m done with things I need to do. This am I said fuck it to the dishes, to the scattered tomato on the back splash from canning yesterday. Piss off to the empty boxes that cradled the mason jars we used. The cats enjoy the boxes anyway.

Luke, our other German Shepherd who is old as Methuselah, attacked our other shepherd Obi. Not the first time. We’ve sunk thousands into Obi because of Luke, the bastard. This will be the last attack. Luke will go for the long walk.  I remember my Dad taking pets for the long walk. The ones that were too sick or aggressive. I grew up in a tiny southern town that was riddled with poverty. There were no vet visits. Hell, there were barely doctor visits.

 

I mentioned in a before post about rather risqué pictures my husband took of me…I’m in love. I have the hardest damn time loving anything of myself. My husband, who is a Doc, calls it body dysmorphic disorder. No matter how much weight I’ve lost, I still see the same horrendous person the mirror. When he caught this picture of me, I just fell in love with it. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight. Especially since we’ve dove head first into a plant based lifestyle. I think Ill have some pro boudoir pics done now and have more done when I drop to the healthier weight id like to achieve.

Nakedness

Some girl had the nerve to get on my IG the other day and say that small dogs couldn’t be service dogs. I just washed my hands clean of that ignorant twit. Some people you just can’t help. We have two service animals in our family and they both happen to be under 11lbs. Holy moly.

 

I had a rough time yesterday. There are times when I can’t control the obsessive compulsive thoughts and I am taken over by them. I often disassociate when the moments become too much. Often while driving. I don’t know how I make it home some days.  A girl, hell a woman, I’ve come to enjoy on Instagram said today that she will begin to expect the hardships. Yes, expect them. That way you will not be taking for granted any ray of sun shine that comes your way. I love her. A fellow WARRIOR.  Of course, you could apply that to more than your mental illness, sure. If I expect every day to be just a golden sun shiny day then I will be disappointed every time. Today, I will expect those super hard moments where my mind ravages me. I will prepare. I will be ready. Until then, I’m going to get dressed up in something slutty. I’m going to put on my glasses. I’m going to just enjoy the day until I can’t any longer. My friends, THAT is recovery.

 

Peace.