TIRED

Oy.

          Its been a long time since Ive written anything. Ive been dealing with some things with  my mental illness and trying a new drug or two, which hasnt worked out as planned. Im tired. Im tired of trying now. Ive changed my diet.  Ive lost weight. Im physically healthier I guess, but mentally im in wreckage. Garbage. Trash. Lost. helpless.  Annnnnnnd Monday I start homeschooling my only child.  Is that a recipe for disaster? Im afraid it is. I started that journey when I was on medication and it was helping with my patience level and anxiety but I was sleeping constantly for hours on end.    I guess it works for all that stuff if your really asleep instead of living.  I dont enjoy anything anymore. I almost cant stand to be around my husband or child. He is so annoying sometimes and so is she. On the drugs, though, Im super laid back and not much rocks my world but I cant sleep all the damn time either. Im tired of trying.  I wish I could say that all this negativity will flow out of my life and Ill never say another negative thing. I want it to wash away from my soul and quit effecting my everythought. I blew up on my husband last night. Im so conflicted about it this morning. I dont know whats real and what isnt anymore.  I hear things in my home. I hallucinate. Im afraid my husband is going to leave me or is cheating on me. Im afraid. Im paranoid that if its dark outside and the lights are on inside then the people in the yard can see in and I cant see them. I fucking need some help and my Husband who is a doctor is terribly useless when it comes to this stuff. Youd think he had never heard of mental illness.  Jesus…   Im tired.

North Korea, All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go, and HealthCare

Yo.

  •           Its been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been in the bowels of Schizo-ness…. We are looking into an outpatient facility in Virginia Beach. Yeah, wtf. I’ve never been hospitalized before. I can only imagine it’s like a 70s era shit storm of a place.I’mm bogged down by the delusions and paranoia. I watched the towel move up the wall the other day. I think I’m seeing bugs that aren’t there. Fuck I’m tired. I don’t want to do this with medication. It a poison and I hate to be one of those “big pharma” people but I am. FUCK big pharma.. Shit that we’ve been told for our whole lives isn’t true. The things we should eat for health isn’t true. The things that will make us better, isn’t true. Hell fire. This plant based thing we’ve been doing is working great. I’ve lost 21 lbs. I don’t feel energized like some folks have said they have. My husband is LIVELY and has hit his lowest weight in decades. Good for him.. no really. I love that he’s happy. I wish it was easier for me. I just know that my bullshit is going to become too much for him and he will walk away. He disputes that offer but I still think it anyway. We’ve had so much going on lately. We’ve been snappy as hell at each other and I feel as if I am distancing myself from him. Anytime things become slightly difficult I automatically go into “Mother Daughter Team” mode. Where everything I think or plan, it’s for Pidden and me as if he won’t be around. It’s safer to do that. Even when everyone else leaves, it’ll always just be her and I. I have to make sure I plan for that and keep her safe. Welp, there’s the paranoia rising to the top. Or is it?

 

  • North Korea is some scary shit right now ain’t it?!! Looks like he may actually be trying to take a bite of us. Every country is convinced by their own propoganda that their military is the best and they have the best of everything. To us, NK has this tiny arsenal of bottle rockets and we have a gold mine of the coup de grace of all fire power…But to NK, its the opposite for us. Do we really have the best forces on the planet? I hate living this close to DC.

 

  • I canceled my trip to Topsail. I fucking hated doing that. Dear Husband has changed jobs or is in the process and we aren’t sure what we will be doing during that time. His current hospital is fucking insane. The CEO isnt shit. HEr and her pet are fixing to lose their jobs and still acting like if they throw everyone off the ship then it wont sink. I hate that place. Moving here was a mistake. Well, we can atleast look at this place like its a stepping stone to somewhere better. I just fucking hate everything right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely House and Wife, CNN, Hollers

Hello All.

My house is empty. I can write until my fingers bleed if I want. My husband is meeting another physician to discuss another ER position. My child is in another state visiting her Bio-dad and his family. My house is noisy but not from the sound of my kiddo busting down the stairs with her German Sheppard in tow. It is loud. It is hot. The after effect such as post labor when the body is finishing up and taking a break. The house needs love and affection too. We moved into this gorgeous A Frame 4 months ago. It has since birthed new animals, new toys, new play houses, and a plethora of other gadgets and discoveries. Just like the house, I am in a reverie of all the things Not going on in it today. The stillness of the empty abode.   I love my home. This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve really had a home. That’s ridiculous. I am soon to be 31. I have an almost 9-year-old child. We also have a story.

Like a lot of people from my home town, our home lives were wrought with chaos. (That’s another story for another time) I left home when I was 20, right after I bought my first house with my boyfriend. He was 26 or 27 then. We married a short time later. the first guy that came along, Ya know. I was 20, uneducated, naive to everything the world had and would have to offer. I married a man that would decide to have affairs and quickly became abusive mentally and physically. I had my daughter when I was 22 with this same man. I’m not saying I was a saint. Hell, I was 20ish through those years and a lot of shit comes with marrying a child. Anyways, I had my daughter and it wasn’t  until 4 years later when I was 26, that I figured out there was another life to live. One without broken bones or bruises. One that my baby girl didn’t have to see her mother being bounced off the walls and stairs. I became brave and when we finally were able to escape, it was going to be life or death. After orders of protection (which are bullshit), we were free. We stayed with my parents for a couple of years, which was just walking into another hell but this time just for me. I was grateful for a safer place for us.  I was granted a divorce around 3 months after we left the Bad Mister. I went to school and worked. I was certified as a Phlebotomist and Medical Assistant and had met another Man along the way. This time I was going to be very picky and I would never put my kiddo in harm’s way again. This one turned out to be one of the best men I could have ever met. Skip ahead a few years and all the mushy stuff ;)…I’m married to the love of my life whom also loves and adores our daughter. And we have this gorgeous home with a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Yeah, it sounds peachy, but like everything else that’s worth it, its freaking hard too.IMG_1431.JPGAnyway, that just a snippet of our past as a mother daughter team.

 

 

There’s so much horrible stuff happening on the news..I’ve deleted my CNN app so I don’t have it in my face. This North Korea mess is really going to be awful, isn’t it? I’m about 6 hours from DC. Why the hell did I move so close lol     I moved here with my Husband and child from the Tennessee Alabama line. Tucked away in our own little holler. In reality, though, no holler is safe, is it?

A lady I know in TN, her dad died last night. My heart aches for her. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own father so much lately. He was my Mom and Dad growing up. Mom always seemed to be dealing with her own demons. I get it now. I miss them. I’m 9 hours away and can’t control any of the shenanigans that go on down there.

Any way, this post is getting super long winded.     Piss sakes.

 

PeAcE

Charlie Gard, diets, kids….

G’day Yall. 

Saw on the news this am that the baby we’ve all been watching has passed away. What a horrendous situation for any parent to be in. Ive seen such mixed outbursts from people. Some that think the parents were in the wrong. This amazes me in a way. As a parent, I would do ANYTHING it took for my child to be ok. ANYTHING. In the end, the best thing they could do was to let him pass. Still such a terrible thing to have to go through. My heart, prayers, and love goes out to Charlies’ parents.

Finding time to write has been slightly difficult due to my kiddo being out on summer vacation. Mom what you doing? Let me see..Whats that word? Who are you writing to?….You get it. She’s currently beside me but so involved in her game that she’s ignoring me. Im glad she’s not old enough to understand whats happening. Just be a kid, Pidden. One day Im going to have to explain so much to her.

Her bio-dad and I divorced a few years ago and she doesn’t see him much. Thats what currently plagues her right now. No matter how many times I tell him that he can come see her whenever he wants for any length of time, he still doesn’t. She doesn’t understand that and assumes its all up to me if she sees him. I doubt I’ll have to explain this in detail one day as she will figure it out soon enough. It really slams home the whole notion of really knowing who you’re marrying and having children with…    Anyway, school starts soon and she will have other things on her mind.

 

In december 2017, I am/was planning to have weightloss surgery. Drastic right? well, I need to lose around 100 lbs and i was going to adopt a whole new life style to accommodate that surgery..Then I came across a documentary on Netflix called What The Health. EYE OPENING. Later I watched Forks over Knives…and a few others now. After tons of my own research and my dear husband is a Physician, so we piled research and decided a plant based diet had sooooo many merits to great health and here we are dropping weight like crazy and getting super healthy. I encourage anyone taking medication, over weight, or just generally unhappy, to watch these documentaries then do your own research. Do tons of it. Make yourself convinced in one direction or another.

On another note, I am unmedicated for my mental illness. I am currently ascending, i think. Im having the incurable racing thoughts. Im tired as hell too. I want to write all the time which is a no brainer for me up cycling. I wish things were normal. Or atlas a better version of my normal.

 

Peace.

That Number One

The first blog post. Frightening. Alarming…Will I try to spew something intellectual that will just sound as if I’m illiterate and end up having no merit on society? Will I be judged tremendously by a grammar nazi? Probably. In fact, I’m quite sure. You see, I scored this sweet little label  Bipolar Schizoaffective (insert sarcasmic obscenity) …A bunch of scary sounding words with a collection of drugs to “make me healthy”…     I have a scattered way of thinking. Mucho randomness. I see and hear things that aren’t real. The almost constant highs and lows. Suicidal thoughts, plans, intentions. I’m a cutter. It’s the best and easiest thing that helps me. Not all of us are the same but, we all suffer through it.

So, this is what my blog will center around. Mental Illness and me. I am not only mentally ill, but I am a traveler, a foodie, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, but not so much a friend. I’ve cut off everyone since I’ve moved and I really don’t care to get to know anyone from here.  I will work on self-care and just be a productive member of society. I will utilize this blog to live out this part of life separately.  To vent. To breathe. To just live. Unmedicated. Where I can totally be myself without repercussions.         IMG_1191