North Korea, All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go, and HealthCare

Yo.

  •           Its been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been in the bowels of Schizo-ness…. We are looking into an outpatient facility in Virginia Beach. Yeah, wtf. I’ve never been hospitalized before. I can only imagine it’s like a 70s era shit storm of a place.I’mm bogged down by the delusions and paranoia. I watched the towel move up the wall the other day. I think I’m seeing bugs that aren’t there. Fuck I’m tired. I don’t want to do this with medication. It a poison and I hate to be one of those “big pharma” people but I am. FUCK big pharma.. Shit that we’ve been told for our whole lives isn’t true. The things we should eat for health isn’t true. The things that will make us better, isn’t true. Hell fire. This plant based thing we’ve been doing is working great. I’ve lost 21 lbs. I don’t feel energized like some folks have said they have. My husband is LIVELY and has hit his lowest weight in decades. Good for him.. no really. I love that he’s happy. I wish it was easier for me. I just know that my bullshit is going to become too much for him and he will walk away. He disputes that offer but I still think it anyway. We’ve had so much going on lately. We’ve been snappy as hell at each other and I feel as if I am distancing myself from him. Anytime things become slightly difficult I automatically go into “Mother Daughter Team” mode. Where everything I think or plan, it’s for Pidden and me as if he won’t be around. It’s safer to do that. Even when everyone else leaves, it’ll always just be her and I. I have to make sure I plan for that and keep her safe. Welp, there’s the paranoia rising to the top. Or is it?

 

  • North Korea is some scary shit right now ain’t it?!! Looks like he may actually be trying to take a bite of us. Every country is convinced by their own propoganda that their military is the best and they have the best of everything. To us, NK has this tiny arsenal of bottle rockets and we have a gold mine of the coup de grace of all fire power…But to NK, its the opposite for us. Do we really have the best forces on the planet? I hate living this close to DC.

 

  • I canceled my trip to Topsail. I fucking hated doing that. Dear Husband has changed jobs or is in the process and we aren’t sure what we will be doing during that time. His current hospital is fucking insane. The CEO isnt shit. HEr and her pet are fixing to lose their jobs and still acting like if they throw everyone off the ship then it wont sink. I hate that place. Moving here was a mistake. Well, we can atleast look at this place like its a stepping stone to somewhere better. I just fucking hate everything right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resignation, Doomsday Prepping, Boudoir

G’Day ya’ll

Today, I have spent its entirety getting alone time with my husband. We have gathered boxes of veggies to can for our prepping. We have signed, sealed, and delivered his resignation from the clinic where he is a PCP (God I am so glad he’s out of that hell hole). We even had time to take some boudoir pictures of me….I know, WTH right? I have this huge insecurity, I’m sure like most women according to Instagram.  Yeah well, It was fucking hot, to say the least. :);)     I wish I had the courage to post some on here but hey, in due time….

My kid will not be back home until Sunday. It’s insane. I’m redoing her room to surprise her when she gets here. She needs a big girl room, Ya know. Time to get rid of those polka dots and woodland critter bedding……. *Sheds tears*    She’s fixing to have to start wearing a bra now. WTF. I don’t know what to even do and I’m her mother…frick. I remember her last year in the car exasperated with life and saying “WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET BOOBS?!!”……Well hell honey, keep chugging that damn milk with all those hormones.

I’m doing ok without my meds. OK. just OK. I’m Fine, I’m fine. I’m struggling. Sometimes I wish I could just be sedated for a while.. That fixes nothing but sometimes the wheels just need a break, man. I’ve noticed if I drink alcohol or don’t get adequate sleep then I’m just screwed. The delusions break me. The paranoia is malignant! I’m Fine I’m FIne IM Fine.

 

I’ve booked a beach vaca for Thanksgiving. I’ve never lived so close to the beach before and I must have it. Topsail island has become my favorite place to be since we’ve moved. There I find peace and breathing room. There, I am me.

 

Peace