Its been a long time since Ive written anything. Ive been dealing with some things with my mental illness and trying a new drug or two, which hasnt worked out as planned. Im tired. Im tired of trying now. Ive changed my diet. Ive lost weight. Im physically healthier I guess, but mentally im in wreckage. Garbage. Trash. Lost. helpless. Annnnnnnd Monday I start homeschooling my only child. Is that a recipe for disaster? Im afraid it is. I started that journey when I was on medication and it was helping with my patience level and anxiety but I was sleeping constantly for hours on end. I guess it works for all that stuff if your really asleep instead of living. I dont enjoy anything anymore. I almost cant stand to be around my husband or child. He is so annoying sometimes and so is she. On the drugs, though, Im super laid back and not much rocks my world but I cant sleep all the damn time either. Im tired of trying. I wish I could say that all this negativity will flow out of my life and Ill never say another negative thing. I want it to wash away from my soul and quit effecting my everythought. I blew up on my husband last night. Im so conflicted about it this morning. I dont know whats real and what isnt anymore. I hear things in my home. I hallucinate. Im afraid my husband is going to leave me or is cheating on me. Im afraid. Im paranoid that if its dark outside and the lights are on inside then the people in the yard can see in and I cant see them. I fucking need some help and my Husband who is a doctor is terribly useless when it comes to this stuff. Youd think he had never heard of mental illness. Jesus… Im tired.
This is not my work. I don’t know who to credit this to but Its damn Beautiful. I don’t feel the need to take pics of mine before clean up. It’s just not on my mind like that. I’m ashamed. I am so afraid my family will know I still do this. I’ve cut myself since I was 8 years old. My mother showed me how to with a plastic shoe string end. Loved it, never went back. I am almost 31 now and still have found no better way of coping with the accumulative bullshit. I try, and try, to keep it further from my mind but when the obsessive thoughts start, there’s no peaceful ending. It starts small. There’s a fleeting thought of how it will feel. How the blood will pool onto my lap and down my arm.. Then by day two, I’ve done it. It’ll be another 2-3 days before I stop cutting. Before it all runs from my mind and body like the evil darkness, the evil dark scourge that encircles my every thought. I’ll never fully escape it. I wish I knew a better way to control this shit but I’m too old to learn new tricks. I’ve noticed that missing sleep will incapacitate my mind. My logic center shuts down. I am so damn tired when I go to bed, but it just doesn’t last long. I read that meds like Benedryl when taken daily will cause dementia and Alzheimer’s so I try to stay away from it. I have worked my ass off to try to control my disease without medications. I’ve lost weight for one, by eating a whole food Plant-based diet. I hold pills in then lowest regard. I just can’t bring myself to take them. Now, with that being said, I do not think anything negative about someone who utilizes medications of any kind to help treat their issues. My husband is a MD for gods sakes folks. It’s just not the life I am chasing for myself. For some people it truly is a matter of life or death and unfortunately one day it might be the only option for myself as well. I’m breaking my heart almost daily. Do I do it because I deserve it? Do I use it as a break between the feels and feel nots? It makes me happy while it’s happening. It’s like eating a cheeseburger from Wendys. Absolute bliss until you’re done, then you get to ride home with the guilt and shame of having said meal. It’s just been one of those days, I guess. Talking about my cutting adoration has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Theres a million people out there like me. Your friends, your sister, your brother, Your Mama… You’d never know. My own brother would probably disown me. I’ll just hang on to this secret for the rest of my life from him and my parentals. It’s just been one of those days and the coming days will be too.
Yesterday I fell from the cloud I had recently been riding. Ya don’t need all the shitty details, if you’re like me, you already know anyway. It doesn’t matter how amazing your life is when it comes to mental illness. BLEH…anyways. It’s early on the blog this am as usually I wrote in the evenings when I’m done with things I need to do. This am I said fuck it to the dishes, to the scattered tomato on the back splash from canning yesterday. Piss off to the empty boxes that cradled the mason jars we used. The cats enjoy the boxes anyway.
Luke, our other German Shepherd who is old as Methuselah, attacked our other shepherd Obi. Not the first time. We’ve sunk thousands into Obi because of Luke, the bastard. This will be the last attack. Luke will go for the long walk. I remember my Dad taking pets for the long walk. The ones that were too sick or aggressive. I grew up in a tiny southern town that was riddled with poverty. There were no vet visits. Hell, there were barely doctor visits.
I mentioned in a before post about rather risqué pictures my husband took of me…I’m in love. I have the hardest damn time loving anything of myself. My husband, who is a Doc, calls it body dysmorphic disorder. No matter how much weight I’ve lost, I still see the same horrendous person the mirror. When he caught this picture of me, I just fell in love with it. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight. Especially since we’ve dove head first into a plant based lifestyle. I think Ill have some pro boudoir pics done now and have more done when I drop to the healthier weight id like to achieve.
Some girl had the nerve to get on my IG the other day and say that small dogs couldn’t be service dogs. I just washed my hands clean of that ignorant twit. Some people you just can’t help. We have two service animals in our family and they both happen to be under 11lbs. Holy moly.
I had a rough time yesterday. There are times when I can’t control the obsessive compulsive thoughts and I am taken over by them. I often disassociate when the moments become too much. Often while driving. I don’t know how I make it home some days. A girl, hell a woman, I’ve come to enjoy on Instagram said today that she will begin to expect the hardships. Yes, expect them. That way you will not be taking for granted any ray of sun shine that comes your way. I love her. A fellow WARRIOR. Of course, you could apply that to more than your mental illness, sure. If I expect every day to be just a golden sun shiny day then I will be disappointed every time. Today, I will expect those super hard moments where my mind ravages me. I will prepare. I will be ready. Until then, I’m going to get dressed up in something slutty. I’m going to put on my glasses. I’m going to just enjoy the day until I can’t any longer. My friends, THAT is recovery.
Today, I have spent its entirety getting alone time with my husband. We have gathered boxes of veggies to can for our prepping. We have signed, sealed, and delivered his resignation from the clinic where he is a PCP (God I am so glad he’s out of that hell hole). We even had time to take some boudoir pictures of me….I know, WTH right? I have this huge insecurity, I’m sure like most women according to Instagram. Yeah well, It was fucking hot, to say the least. :);) I wish I had the courage to post some on here but hey, in due time….
My kid will not be back home until Sunday. It’s insane. I’m redoing her room to surprise her when she gets here. She needs a big girl room, Ya know. Time to get rid of those polka dots and woodland critter bedding……. *Sheds tears* She’s fixing to have to start wearing a bra now. WTF. I don’t know what to even do and I’m her mother…frick. I remember her last year in the car exasperated with life and saying “WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET BOOBS?!!”……Well hell honey, keep chugging that damn milk with all those hormones.
I’m doing ok without my meds. OK. just OK. I’m Fine, I’m fine. I’m struggling. Sometimes I wish I could just be sedated for a while.. That fixes nothing but sometimes the wheels just need a break, man. I’ve noticed if I drink alcohol or don’t get adequate sleep then I’m just screwed. The delusions break me. The paranoia is malignant! I’m Fine I’m FIne IM Fine.
I’ve booked a beach vaca for Thanksgiving. I’ve never lived so close to the beach before and I must have it. Topsail island has become my favorite place to be since we’ve moved. There I find peace and breathing room. There, I am me.
My house is empty. I can write until my fingers bleed if I want. My husband is meeting another physician to discuss another ER position. My child is in another state visiting her Bio-dad and his family. My house is noisy but not from the sound of my kiddo busting down the stairs with her German Sheppard in tow. It is loud. It is hot. The after effect such as post labor when the body is finishing up and taking a break. The house needs love and affection too. We moved into this gorgeous A Frame 4 months ago. It has since birthed new animals, new toys, new play houses, and a plethora of other gadgets and discoveries. Just like the house, I am in a reverie of all the things Not going on in it today. The stillness of the empty abode. I love my home. This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve really had a home. That’s ridiculous. I am soon to be 31. I have an almost 9-year-old child. We also have a story.
Like a lot of people from my home town, our home lives were wrought with chaos. (That’s another story for another time) I left home when I was 20, right after I bought my first house with my boyfriend. He was 26 or 27 then. We married a short time later. the first guy that came along, Ya know. I was 20, uneducated, naive to everything the world had and would have to offer. I married a man that would decide to have affairs and quickly became abusive mentally and physically. I had my daughter when I was 22 with this same man. I’m not saying I was a saint. Hell, I was 20ish through those years and a lot of shit comes with marrying a child. Anyways, I had my daughter and it wasn’t until 4 years later when I was 26, that I figured out there was another life to live. One without broken bones or bruises. One that my baby girl didn’t have to see her mother being bounced off the walls and stairs. I became brave and when we finally were able to escape, it was going to be life or death. After orders of protection (which are bullshit), we were free. We stayed with my parents for a couple of years, which was just walking into another hell but this time just for me. I was grateful for a safer place for us. I was granted a divorce around 3 months after we left the Bad Mister. I went to school and worked. I was certified as a Phlebotomist and Medical Assistant and had met another Man along the way. This time I was going to be very picky and I would never put my kiddo in harm’s way again. This one turned out to be one of the best men I could have ever met. Skip ahead a few years and all the mushy stuff ;)…I’m married to the love of my life whom also loves and adores our daughter. And we have this gorgeous home with a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Yeah, it sounds peachy, but like everything else that’s worth it, its freaking hard too.Anyway, that just a snippet of our past as a mother daughter team.
There’s so much horrible stuff happening on the news..I’ve deleted my CNN app so I don’t have it in my face. This North Korea mess is really going to be awful, isn’t it? I’m about 6 hours from DC. Why the hell did I move so close lol I moved here with my Husband and child from the Tennessee Alabama line. Tucked away in our own little holler. In reality, though, no holler is safe, is it?
A lady I know in TN, her dad died last night. My heart aches for her. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own father so much lately. He was my Mom and Dad growing up. Mom always seemed to be dealing with her own demons. I get it now. I miss them. I’m 9 hours away and can’t control any of the shenanigans that go on down there.
Any way, this post is getting super long winded. Piss sakes.
Saw on the news this am that the baby we’ve all been watching has passed away. What a horrendous situation for any parent to be in. Ive seen such mixed outbursts from people. Some that think the parents were in the wrong. This amazes me in a way. As a parent, I would do ANYTHING it took for my child to be ok. ANYTHING. In the end, the best thing they could do was to let him pass. Still such a terrible thing to have to go through. My heart, prayers, and love goes out to Charlies’ parents.
Finding time to write has been slightly difficult due to my kiddo being out on summer vacation. Mom what you doing? Let me see..Whats that word? Who are you writing to?….You get it. She’s currently beside me but so involved in her game that she’s ignoring me. Im glad she’s not old enough to understand whats happening. Just be a kid, Pidden. One day Im going to have to explain so much to her.
Her bio-dad and I divorced a few years ago and she doesn’t see him much. Thats what currently plagues her right now. No matter how many times I tell him that he can come see her whenever he wants for any length of time, he still doesn’t. She doesn’t understand that and assumes its all up to me if she sees him. I doubt I’ll have to explain this in detail one day as she will figure it out soon enough. It really slams home the whole notion of really knowing who you’re marrying and having children with… Anyway, school starts soon and she will have other things on her mind.
In december 2017, I am/was planning to have weightloss surgery. Drastic right? well, I need to lose around 100 lbs and i was going to adopt a whole new life style to accommodate that surgery..Then I came across a documentary on Netflix called What The Health. EYE OPENING. Later I watched Forks over Knives…and a few others now. After tons of my own research and my dear husband is a Physician, so we piled research and decided a plant based diet had sooooo many merits to great health and here we are dropping weight like crazy and getting super healthy. I encourage anyone taking medication, over weight, or just generally unhappy, to watch these documentaries then do your own research. Do tons of it. Make yourself convinced in one direction or another.
On another note, I am unmedicated for my mental illness. I am currently ascending, i think. Im having the incurable racing thoughts. Im tired as hell too. I want to write all the time which is a no brainer for me up cycling. I wish things were normal. Or atlas a better version of my normal.